No, time does not heal anything!

I looked back at a blogpost I wrote 4 years ago when my uncle passed. I wrote about grief from losing my cousin and uncle. However, losing my brother 2 years ago has changed my perspective on a lot of things. 

When I flew home to Malaysia, I already had more than 12 hours to collect my thoughts and emotions. I told myself that he is in a better place where he can’t feel pain anymore. He doesn’t have to go through the pressure of meeting people/society’s expectations anymore. By the time I saw my brother in a coffin, I did not shed a single tear. I was surprised that I did not cry. People around me were surprised too that I did not cry. I think I was in shock but I also knew that I had to stay focused and be there for my parents. My priority is my parents.

We cremated my brother’s physical being, did a 16th day memorial service based on the Hindu religion. Over that two weeks, I have cried myself to sleep numerous times because I did not want to cry in front of people. After 3 weeks, I went back to work in Australia. I tried to live life like nothing changed. I met Nikita and spent a lot of time with her family. Spending time with her brothers made me slightly better but it caught up to me after a few months.

Silently I spent a lot of time feeling sad and depressed over my lost dreams and memories. It did not help when the pandemic started. I couldn’t go home to spend time and grief properly with my family. I did not feel like anyone understood my grief. I used to be able to write random blog posts. I stopped because I could not write about random things without addressing the elephant in the room, which is my grief.

Till this day, I think unfortunately losing him has traumatised me. A lot of other factors have contributed to it. I am not the same person I was 5 years ago when I moved to Australia. My experiences in the last 5 years has influenced my thought process. When I lost my cousin at 22, I thought that was the most traumatic experience in my life. Life took a turn and my dad had a stroke later that year. Then, I went on a self-discovery journey to Australia. A couple of years after, I lost my brother. Six months ago, I lost a friend very similar to how I lost my brother.

At this point in my life, life could throw as many curve balls as it wants and I will survive it. However, all of those experiences has made me/given me a complicated thought process. All other losses/ heartbreak feel so small/ incomparable to losing my brother. It has even prepared me for, one day, losing my parents.

I dreamed to be the cool aunt to his children. I dreamed of him showing me all the cool party places back home. I dreamed to give him a lot shit for his Thalaivar movies. I dreamed of him giving a hard time for my future guy. I dreamed of growing old with him, like my mum did with hers. I feel envious when I see people or even my cousins having a brother/sister moment because they are living my dreams. I won’t ever be able to have that. Some days I worry a lot that over the years, I will slowly lose my memories of him. I worry that if/when I have a partner in future, they will not understand how much my brother meant to me and how it has impacted me. There is so much going on in my head all the time. I probably only say out half the things. Most of the time, I keep my interactions light and easy. A lot of my deeper conversations are with random strangers. Some of them can get pretty heavy and I am scared that it will push people away.

Moving to Australia, I’ve lost my support system and built a new one here, in Brisbane and Cairns. I treasure everyone and am scared of losing them. Sometimes I overthink and worry about the littlest thing someone has mentioned to me. I am first to say sorry most of the times. I always over immerse myself into my friend’s lives I pretend like their parents are my own to just feel like I belong somewhere. Well, like I said, it is complicated. I am complicated.

Coming back to the original trajectory, time does not heal anything. I believe time is not even part of the equation for me. Time just keeps going, fucking selfish cunt. Experiences and people shape everything for me. When life throw rotten tomatoes at me, people will be there for support (I hope) and my past experiences will help me cope with anything and a little dose of inner strength.

I know I addressed a lot for heavy topic in this post. I am not expecting any response or pity. It is just part of me recording my personal journey. I go back often and re-read my blogposts. I also needed to address the grief and loss before I start putting up random posts as if nothing happened. I don’t think my blog post would be anything but random anymore to be honest. I don’t mind getting naked for people to see me, metaphorically being vulnerable.

If you use my vulnerability for your gain, it is a reflection of you and not me.