Stay strong, Saranya!
I try.
I try really hard. It’s a battle I have been fighting every single day of my life since the change. The battle is to not be a clingy friend.
I dislike having friends who expect me to tell them my whereabouts all the time. To me, I dislike having my movements restricted. I love my freedom and when someone asks my whereabouts too many times, I feel suffocated. Yes, it is perfectly understandable. Pretty sure I am not alone in this world.
However, I am beginning to despise myself for being that kind of friend. I have been yapping about my difficulty in making friends and forming bonds with people here. Thank God, I have found 2 friends I am comfortable with, people who I can be weird and crazy with. Well, sometimes it takes time for them to accept my weirdness. Gotta cut some slack for these buddies, I can be pretty random and weird.
I said I try hard, right? Yea, so I try not to be that friend who messages every time to ask their whereabouts. I try not to invite myself on their hangouts with other friends and events. I try not to cling to them for 24/7. I try not to care too much. I try to not to annoy them and push them away. I try not to be the weird one. I try not to be the friend who suffocates another one. I try, alright.
Trying is the keyword here. If I have been successful, I wouldn’t rant about it.
Why do I try so hard? Why not go with the flow?
I am scared. I don’t want to be depressed again. I hate it when I feel so emotionally down. I dislike that I can be the magic ball of positivity for people around me but myself. I never had to worry about stuff like this back home. I had my foot planted right. I had a strong base and didn’t have the need to cling to someone. I had so many people around me that finding personal time and space was a chore.
The circumstances are reversed now. I have all my personal time and space that I am craving to share it with friends. It gets lonely, so very lonely. I am afraid I am going to spend days in my room, reading books and watching movies, without talking to a single soul. I dread the day will come eventually.
I have a friend who is going away and I am glad. I am positive things will work out for him despite his concerns about the big responsibilities. I know he will succeed; he has got the potential. Nonetheless, it is gnawing me that he is moving away, one less friend soon. Mixed emotions… should I feel happy for him or sad for me?
We all take time to form bonds. I feel like somehow the friendship between us will dissipate because we haven’t exactly had the time to form an everlasting bond. That implies possible loss of friendship when he goes away. I am bracing myself for it, I knew what I was getting myself into when I became his friend. So well, I have been trying to cherish the time we have left. With mixed emotions…
And then, I have another friend who is probably the one person who would do anything when asked. Basically, this is the person I get to ‘manja’ with. We share a brother-sister relationship. Even though he calls me akka (elder sister), he acts like my anna (elder brother) most of the time. He cooks lunch, walks me to the train station, makes coffee etc.
We both have almost similar upbringing, hence it’s easy to talk about stuff to him. We both seem to have formed our bond over a simple lunch session. I never thought he’d be my buddy and I am glad he is. Sometimes I feel like he can be overprotective but I can deal with that. I have had years of practice with that. It does get a lil difficult for us to hang out often as I work on weekdays and he works on weekends. So, that kinda makes sense for me to dread the feeling of loneliness in future, right?
Interestingly, with both of my friends, it’s like we share secret friendship. My parents and some friends from back home know each of these individuals by name but have never seen them. Both of them do not like pictures of us on social media for various reasons and I am fine with it. However, sometimes it does feel like they are my imaginary friends. I do like taking pictures for keepsake and this one friend has even refused to take a selfie with me, we all know which friend is that by now. That kinda makes me feel crappy but I respect their preference.
It’s alright if we do not have pictures for keepsake, I will just make memories and treasure them instead. The places we have visited together and the library we used to hang out to talk stories for hours, not forgetting all those D & M talks will always be in my heart and mind. I do believe life is all about making memories, hopefully mostly good ones. However, like Yin & Yang, you can’t avoid the bad ones.
I hope I have the strength to endure another low point in my life, if it happens. Stay strong, Saranya! (Soon it’ll be time to whisper words of motivation to myself, I guess).
And as usual, this is just me being rant-y and random. Sorry, guys!
I try really hard. It’s a battle I have been fighting every single day of my life since the change. The battle is to not be a clingy friend.
I dislike having friends who expect me to tell them my whereabouts all the time. To me, I dislike having my movements restricted. I love my freedom and when someone asks my whereabouts too many times, I feel suffocated. Yes, it is perfectly understandable. Pretty sure I am not alone in this world.
However, I am beginning to despise myself for being that kind of friend. I have been yapping about my difficulty in making friends and forming bonds with people here. Thank God, I have found 2 friends I am comfortable with, people who I can be weird and crazy with. Well, sometimes it takes time for them to accept my weirdness. Gotta cut some slack for these buddies, I can be pretty random and weird.
I said I try hard, right? Yea, so I try not to be that friend who messages every time to ask their whereabouts. I try not to invite myself on their hangouts with other friends and events. I try not to cling to them for 24/7. I try not to care too much. I try to not to annoy them and push them away. I try not to be the weird one. I try not to be the friend who suffocates another one. I try, alright.
Trying is the keyword here. If I have been successful, I wouldn’t rant about it.
Why do I try so hard? Why not go with the flow?
I am scared. I don’t want to be depressed again. I hate it when I feel so emotionally down. I dislike that I can be the magic ball of positivity for people around me but myself. I never had to worry about stuff like this back home. I had my foot planted right. I had a strong base and didn’t have the need to cling to someone. I had so many people around me that finding personal time and space was a chore.
The circumstances are reversed now. I have all my personal time and space that I am craving to share it with friends. It gets lonely, so very lonely. I am afraid I am going to spend days in my room, reading books and watching movies, without talking to a single soul. I dread the day will come eventually.
I have a friend who is going away and I am glad. I am positive things will work out for him despite his concerns about the big responsibilities. I know he will succeed; he has got the potential. Nonetheless, it is gnawing me that he is moving away, one less friend soon. Mixed emotions… should I feel happy for him or sad for me?
We all take time to form bonds. I feel like somehow the friendship between us will dissipate because we haven’t exactly had the time to form an everlasting bond. That implies possible loss of friendship when he goes away. I am bracing myself for it, I knew what I was getting myself into when I became his friend. So well, I have been trying to cherish the time we have left. With mixed emotions…
And then, I have another friend who is probably the one person who would do anything when asked. Basically, this is the person I get to ‘manja’ with. We share a brother-sister relationship. Even though he calls me akka (elder sister), he acts like my anna (elder brother) most of the time. He cooks lunch, walks me to the train station, makes coffee etc.
We both have almost similar upbringing, hence it’s easy to talk about stuff to him. We both seem to have formed our bond over a simple lunch session. I never thought he’d be my buddy and I am glad he is. Sometimes I feel like he can be overprotective but I can deal with that. I have had years of practice with that. It does get a lil difficult for us to hang out often as I work on weekdays and he works on weekends. So, that kinda makes sense for me to dread the feeling of loneliness in future, right?
Interestingly, with both of my friends, it’s like we share secret friendship. My parents and some friends from back home know each of these individuals by name but have never seen them. Both of them do not like pictures of us on social media for various reasons and I am fine with it. However, sometimes it does feel like they are my imaginary friends. I do like taking pictures for keepsake and this one friend has even refused to take a selfie with me, we all know which friend is that by now. That kinda makes me feel crappy but I respect their preference.
It’s alright if we do not have pictures for keepsake, I will just make memories and treasure them instead. The places we have visited together and the library we used to hang out to talk stories for hours, not forgetting all those D & M talks will always be in my heart and mind. I do believe life is all about making memories, hopefully mostly good ones. However, like Yin & Yang, you can’t avoid the bad ones.
I hope I have the strength to endure another low point in my life, if it happens. Stay strong, Saranya! (Soon it’ll be time to whisper words of motivation to myself, I guess).
And as usual, this is just me being rant-y and random. Sorry, guys!
Comments
Post a Comment